Acceptance
Half the year has passed since the previous post, we are in the third season. Summer has been vibrant. Spring was challenging and winter finished up with much anticipation. I am thrilled to be right here: The Boston Public Library on a humid rain soaked afternoon.
Acceptance has been a larger theme of the year. Asking, what is what, observing it, being in it.
I’ve sat still this year, in a variety of ways: in grass, in a bath, in an ocean that was most likely under 35 degrees… I combatted that hyperthermia tho. Here I am, understanding more than I did at the top of this calendar year. As deeply grateful as ever, more curious about the ‘new version’ of me. As I sat with the ‘knew version’(please read previous post if you are lost), as someone once said I am all the ages I once was. On this day I still am 2 year old me, 6 year old me, 11, 16 year old me, 19… I am, on this day 26 and 29 too. I am fully 35, each version of me I have been is here within me. Perhaps cheering me on, sitting attentively, listening and learning. Most of all, all of me is accepting of the other parts of me.
Accept: to take or receive with approval or favor; to agree or consent, accede to; to respond or answer affirmatively to; to undertake responsibility, duties, honors; to accomodate or reconcile oneself to; to regard as true or sound, believe; regard as normal or suitable, or usual; to receive as to meaning, understand.
As I’ve collided through the times we are in, managing to release resistance has continued to be the most instrumental. There have been many attempts to flow before and some were successful for a short period. The hold up was not knowing what the flow truly was.
In a state of flow one moves forward with something, some force. A twig falls into a river and is in flow with water. I uncovered I needed to be in flow with me, in acceptance of me. Prior to uncovering this truth, I nearly tried to burn myself alive… figuratively. I took a hard, disapproving approach toward the past me. I attempted to undo who I am vs. moving forward from who I am.
You get that subtle difference, yes?
Disapproving of my past self only inflamed her, enraged the parts of me that needed congratulatory remarks for being brave and showing up. She(me) would not let me rest until we reconciled. That was very smart of her(me) I must admit. How dare today’s version of me try to forget all the others. When I asked myself what I needed… Acceptance was the answer by way of truth. Sitting in the uncomfortable truth of imperfection alleviated all my symptoms: irritability, fear, regret, discomfort, unease, imposter syndrome, torment, RBF, insecurity, etc; began to dissipate.
I needed that. I needed to accept the truth, and when I did, other forms of resistance fell away too. Now, I can truly accept others’ for who they are, and their behavior without attempting to change them.
I am capable of accepting the truth of any moment whether it be desirable or challenging.
Acceptance is really THAT GIRL. Major Key.
I’m leaving a poem below, it’s on acceptance, I wrote it, it’s full of love:
In the tall grass
where all the bug friends live
I peek up and the ocean waves to me
crashing and crushing against lava that once lived
iridescent the sky
filling with gentle hues
How the clouds sit so propped and stature is the ultimate lesson in posture
golden hues
a giving blue
sultry fuchsia
enlightened purple
pines pierce my view
life green against night black rock
I cry
these are the hues of being alive.
Gratitude Mother Earth for opening her heart and letting me in
for I am of her
and my place is secure.
The small blips and bubbles imagined by humans, are just that,
Imagined:
fake clout systems
structures held together by doubtglue
and feartape
apoxylies
lifeless thoughts fill their bodies
money drains their Spirit and they forget how to cry.
Remove me from the matrix
this world of make believe
for I desire truth to open me again
let myself back in
Sit on the grass
play in the rain
to breathe in joy
and breathe out
pain
Pain of failure
my mother’s bosom never caught
pain of womanly lessons left untaught
pain of the strangers eyes trying to undo me
undress me
unearth me
unlove and unwant me
pain of rejection
the spells cast on me
I slip out of it all
with a deep breath
holding the sky accountable for its death
A cloud told me once
I was as big as She
it took so long to believe her
but when I did
It’s all I could see
Myself floating and skipping along,
dreams rolling through the night until dawn
holding myself,
my own hands comforted by the moon,
this is the song, I am meant to be attuned.
I am held by God, the Moon & the Sea
My heart wide open to stories in me.
Until next time, Aina
Until next timeu
